Right. I've fiddled with my blogs settings, and now I think any old person can comment. So this is my last go. I seriously have lost my will to look for tat. Never ever thought I'd say that. So, if you enjoy having a look around my collection of rubbish then let me know in this post. Because I feel like a jerk wasting my time.
Don't worry, I'm not ending the blog! I can hear well over two people crying out Nooo!!! as I type! Of course I mean that christmas is over. I would have enjoyed it more, had I not been full of flu. That was my secret santa present from someone at work this year. Thanks guys. Next time, shower gel and chocolates will be just fine. Aanyway. At least Granddad enjoyed his pressie this year...
Since it's festive time, think we should stick with the bad sweater theme. This guy gets my vote as the Perviest Twat at the annual staff party...
I reckon his chat-up line is "Ladies, I see you admiring my jumper snake, well... how would you like to see my trouser snake? Oh yes!" Greasy twat. P.S. I've just noticed what he's leaning on. Very funny, snakes and ladders. Stupid greasy twat.
Ah the golden days of Channel 4! For our viewers abroad who regrettably are quite oblivious to the phenonemom that is Countdown, this is a T.V. word game show that has been on our screens since 1982. Contestants battle it out to win a dictionary. Oh yes.
Sadly the snazzy jumpers seen here have dried up in the past few years, this image is from the halcyon days when a twatty celebrity guest was guaranteed every day either in the shape of the pithy Gyles Brandreth or the pissy Richard Stilgoe.
Take your pick as to which one is this weeks twat.
As promised here is a return to the school of silly shit. Plain and simple now, it's a classic comedy formula... 1C + 1F = 1PPP (Where C stands for "chair", F for "fat bloke", and PPP stands for "pissed pair of pants")
Marvellous stuff now from the brilliant David Armand. Any fans of this one should sniff about on youtube where he's done a couple more. There's even a version of this he did with the lovely Natalie herself. Phwoaarrr!!
One day when I write something funny I want him to be in it. (As long as he hasn't retired by then)
What better way to get in the christmas spirit than to get out in the garden and make snowballs. Well, snowcock and snowballs to be precise. And then film your mum thumping down your big erection. Careful though mum, you'll end up getting white stuff all over your gloves. Again.
I know this is seen by most viewers, (I laughingly say "most", when what I really mean is "both") but it doesn't do any harm whatsoever to have a refresher course. Please please people, be careful out there and watch out for the "Ball And Socket". I witnessed one at work last week and it was not a pretty sight..
Oh and always, always remember... don't go in too soft.
Lesson time kids. Heard of Rick Mayall? Well done. Give yourself a tick! Heard of Kevin Turvey? No, didn't think so. It's a wally character he used to do in the early 80's, who had his own TV Special once called "The Man Behind The Green Door". Anyway this you either know and don't care about this, or don't know and don't care. Point is, you're wrong... it was marvellous. Enjoy a bit of silly classic silliness...
Wahaaayyyyy!!!!!!!! This guy is guaranteed to brighten your day up!! (Just don't have him round to your place)
I've now watched this three times in a row and it gets better every go! Although I still can't figure out why he hates the paramedic so much. Maybe he saved his wife... View this at it's full potential here on youtube, well worth it.
I'm writing my list for Christmas, and these are a definite need... First off I want a new rug that looks like a stamp. Who doesn't? It's a must for every rug-licker in town! To be honest I just want it so I can watch my cat drag it's arse across Her Madge's face and bring a smile to my mine! (But not hers, sadly) Buy it from the site here (if you have a spare grand or two)
Right, next on my list? Why, only a new shiny knob of course! This will brighten up any glory-hole activities this, it's a door-knob that shows exactly what is going on inside the room...
Have a good ol' perv of your nan on the bog, or simply keep an eye on the wife with this smashing new invention! Check it out here.
What else is on my Santa-list? Well, a sausage sandwich for breakfast off Nigella Lawson would certainly kick my Christmas morning off to a good start. Failing that, I'll settle for a simple gulp.
This is the nerdiest thing I have ever seen. And this comes from someone who owns a periodic table tea-towel. Click here for a "klein bottle" bottle opener. For the "normal" viewers... a Klein bottle is a non-orientable one-sided mathematical manifold, (two mobius strips joined together) a shape with its outside also on the inside. It contains itself. Look, I like maths shit, so go fuck yourself okay?! (Just like a Klein bottle in fact)
The festive season is officially upon us once again!
It's not me saying that, but Mr Santa Claus himself! He certainly looks full of "christams spirit" in this CCTV carpark footage. So much so in fact that he feels compelled to share his flash of glee with two lucky passer-bys. Almost all over their shoes!
Ho ho ho!!! (Put your arse away Santa, you're scaring the kids)
Old? Had a stroke? Shitting in a bucket in the kitchen because you can't get up the stairs? Maybe it's time for a little one-way holiday to Switzerland? Sod that Granddad, get down the pub, and do it in style like this guy! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... The Great Omani!!
Bit mean of his carer to handcuff him as well though. No respect some people...
X-Factor? Shove it up your arse. That's certainly what this "plucky" chap did, back in good ol' 1925. Take it away Gus Visser..
What a motherducker! (Nearly works) Thought maybe if he had a slightly younger duckling on each finger, he could've had a full scale and played quite a merry little tune! Perhaps "Don't Duck Back In Anger"? Sorry. Awful jokes, I know, but get used to it!
We're stepping into my dreams now, a recurring dream about steps. I shit you not, I do this every night! What? Everyone does don't they? Please reassure me that you all dream you can slide down the stairs in your shoes? I almost soiled myself when I seen someone actually do it!!
There seems to be one or two individuals who think this cat is "not hip to the groove", or "down wid the hommies". Well let me tell you siree bob that I got more more street than milton keynes. Oh yes, and they've got a lot of streets. So... quit yo jibber jabber and get down to the beat, ya bunch of mo-fo's.
Pray silence please, for The Master Of The Ceremonies, the one and only... Vincent!! God Bless Fox News and God Bless America for celebrating the mentally different.
PS apparently they let this chap make a whole movie. If anyone can provide a link, then this is the place to do so!